I have to admit something. I look at things that we have kids doing now, and I think we may be raising a generation of retards. Now, I know parents like to keep their kids busy, but it seems like everything kids ever do is now an “activity”. I am not talking about things like baseball, karate or dance (even when crazy women let their kids take a couple of different dance classes every day). And I don’t mean Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts or even the multitude of church related groups. No, I am talking about the fact that every game that gets played in PE now has a formal league.

I have been driving around and seeing lots of stickers on the back of cars related to people’s kids. It seems like every sport a kid plays end’s up on the back window of mom’s Expedition. And, honestly, none of it really annoyed me until now. But now there is a new sport showing up, and I think parents get a grip. I am talking about organized kickball.

I do not know about where you live, but some of the towns around here have organized kickball for the girls. They don’t offer this sport for the boys. There are certain games that are fun for kids to play, but we don’t need competitive leagues for them. My personal opinion is that any game played with that dumb red ball we used on the playground cannot be considered a sport. If kids want to get together and play, that’s great. But when we are so desperate for sports that we have organized kickball, we are really going to far. And what are we saying to girls when we add a “sport” for them and it’s kickball? So I guess we think girls can’t play a real sport. Instead they get the games we played in the gym on days it was raining.

There seems to be some confusion. People think that anything where you can have a clear winner and loser needs to be competitive. The kids in my neighborhood invent all sorts of games. And lots of these games have winners and losers. But I’m not going to push the local YMCA to create leagues for them. For Christ’s sake: just let the fucking kids go outside and play sometimes. They don’t always need a coach, formal practices and uniforms. Kids really can get a lot out of just playing.

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There was a sound bite on the radio yesterday that got me thinking. It was one of those fillers they have at the start of the show. Basically it’s just a sound bite, and supposed to be funny. But this one got me thinking.

They were talking about penis size and the female host said she thinks that if guys are willing to get surgery to get a bigger dick they must be doing it for other guys. I understand why she is saying it. I know women pretty much dress for other women, so it’s safe to assume that lots of boob jobs are for other women too. That and to get a guy other than the one they are with.

But while I have spent a lot of time with women, and talked to a lot of women, I am guessing that I am missing a vital piece of information. This is what I have figured out: women spend a lot of time getting naked with each other. I say this because I have heard women say that wanting a bigger penis is about other guys. I can assure you that I haven’t known any straight guys that wanted a bigger penis to impress other guys.

I don’t know what women imagine happens in locker rooms, but we don’t look at each other’s packages. Plus, let’s be honest. Most of us are not spending much time in locker rooms anyway. We have this thing about keeping eyes up when a dick is in the room. There is a reason they put newspapers up at eye level (and now flat screen TVs) above the urinals. Having those there does distract us, which increases the odds of us missing the toilet, but these places understand that making us feel more comfortable about the whole eye level thing is worth the extra cleaning they will have to do.

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I had really forgotten something about being kind of sort of involved with someone. I hate talking on the phone. I don’t mind it so much if I can use a headset for the call, but people think that is rude. I think part of it is because I am about the only person in America with an actual home phone anymore. Since I am always talking to people who are on cell phones, they can’t hear me very well if I use a headset. I don’t get why me using a headset is considered rude but people on cell phones cutting out every 3 minutes is OK.

And I really hate talking on the phone at night more than my normal talking on the phone. But that’s when people I am involved with are always calling. I am on the phone all fucking day long for work, and now I have to talk on the phone at night. I don’t ask her to come to my house after work and take my food order, make sure my tea is full and bring me my food. Actually, I think I did ask her to do that, but she said no. I also asked her to come clean my house, and she is more open to that, except she doesn’t want to be the one to do all the driving this time. That means I have to move my house 50 miles every time I want it cleaned, and that is more work than cleaning. I bet I am better at house moving than cleaning though.

I am not saying we are really in a relationship yet, because we aren’t. We haven’t even seen each other in almost a year, so for all I know she has sprouted a second head and now has a habit of stalking and killing Baptist ministers. And for all she knows I am now a male crack ho with a purple Mohawk and a fondness for pastries made of whatever insects my cat happens to catch. Hell, it’s entirely possible she wants me to drive down there so she can kill me with a fork, which would be an embarrassing way to die.

Now that Warren Beatty wants to be Governor of California, I have a proposal. If California elects one more actor I say we just say fuck it and give the state back to Mexico. Let them deal with the morons out there. If they don’t want them California can be an independent country. Hell, that would be fun to watch.

Sorry…celebrities pretending to be more than they are annoy me.

There have been some events in the last couple of days I should mention. You may recall that I mentioned an ex that I was considering getting back together with a few months ago, but before we could close the deal, she let me know there was someone else she was going to be exclusive with. Then, a few weeks ago she called and asked some questions about an Ipod, and we all assumed the Ipod was an excuse. Well, it was.

Yes, she is the one that is single again, and she has been calling. She admits the Ipod call was an excuse, but says the questions were legit. And here I am stuck with the question about what to do.

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Well, it turns out Whitesgem actually wanted me to talk about a different story of someone getting body parts superglued. It’s kind of scary that there are 2 of these stories out there at once. At this rate there will be a background check and a 3-day waiting period to buy glue. It will all be locked up like razor blades, Sudafed and condoms. To have superglue in your house Massachusetts will require you to buy and use a glue-lock, to keep your kids from recklessly waiving around the glue and accidentally gluing someone.

But since I told the wrong story, I will have to tell the right one, although I am sure many of you have heard it by now.

It seems this guy and his girl broke up. He was 58. I have no idea how old she was, but she has to have been around the same age. According to the guy, when she dumped him 5-years ago he was crushed. He claims he was totally in love with her. So when she called him this year and asked him out, he was psyched. She even offered to pick him up.
So she comes over, they go dancing and they head back to her place. I am assuming they fucked like middle-aged bunnies because he fell asleep naked in her bed. Unfortunately for him, she didn’t fall asleep. Instead, she got out the super glue. When he woke up his dick was glued to his belly, his nuts were glued to his leg, his ass was glued shut and, just for fun, she had dumped nail polish on his head.

So he wakes up with all this fucked up shit and she is screaming about being tired of his lies. Then she kicks him out.

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OK, at the request of Whitesgem, I am going to start with a discussion of a news item.

It seems there is a guy suing Home Depot. Now, That’s not really news because I am sure Home Depot gets sued every day. I know I go in there and walk through the lumber section just so I increase the chance of getting hit by a falling 2x4 so I can quit working and live my life drinking beer and bitching about the government. But this guy has a really fucked up story.

His ass got glued to a toilet.

Now, I know what you are thinking: What was he doing sitting on one of those toilets? Doesn’t he know those are just display models and you are supposed to look but not touch? Well, in case you didn’t know, there actually are bathrooms in home depot. I know this because I have seen them. I wish to hell I hadn’t because it appears that the issues commonly associated with porta potties are in fact caused by the people that use them and not by the nature of small buildings with shit stored inside them. This was possibly the worst bathroom I have experienced since the time I got drunk in Mexico and leaned my forehead against a bathroom wall, ending up with Spanish graffiti printed in reverse above my eyebrows.

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OK, quick throw away bitch. If you are a mystery shopper, good for you. That is probably a fun job, and if you can make money doing it, cool. But being a mystery shopper is not the same as being a personal shopper. Getting paid to buy shit is much cooler than getting paid to report that the chick at Miller’s Outpost was chewing gum and talking to her boyfriend instead of selling you Levi’s.

Oh, and MSN, you suck. How is it that the word “porn” in a title is bad, but you can say “fcuk”?

I actually am in a bitchy mood today. I can’t really say why, but it’s just one of those days where everything annoys me. Maybe it’s because I was up too late, overslept, but even with that didn’t get much sleep. Could also be because I really need to get out. Possibly it’s just the fact I feel like I am still paying for the past when I have got to be somewhere near even on the karma scale by now. It’s also possible that it’s because I haven’t had anal sex in a long time.

OK, I admit I added that last one just because I was reminded of my brief stint as the Internet Anal Sex Guru. Maybe guru isn’t the right word. It’s not like I offer any anal sex guidance. I would be willing to but nobody ever asks. But it was a fun reputation to have. Hell, laying the groundwork to get the rep was fun. Plus, anal sex increases hits. I’m convinced that’s why Howard Stern always talks about anal sex. It’s all about ratings.

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The Last Samurai is on TV. I just found myself thinking: “I wish I was given a rifle and then instructed by Tom Cruise to shoot him or he would shoot me.

OK, it’s fucking very late. I have been really swamped tonight, and I didn’t get anything even started during the day. I guess I had better make myself start early. I mean, shit, it’s almost 2AM and I haven’t even finished the second paragraph. In fact, as 3 approaches I am still on the second paragraph.

It kind of sucks when there is no drama in your life. It’s relaxing, but then what do you blog about? I think I am out of crazy exes to talk about. I think I have told all the good stories. I could make some up, but I swore I wouldn’t do that here. That kinda sucks just because with how fucked up the shit has been, I think anything I would make up would be very believable. Hell, just the crazy first-date hard no-lube anal chick was a wild enough story to make most of what I imagine seem tame.

I feel like I am letting you down. Hell, I’m not even pissed about anything. It could be because I am so fucking tired I don’t have the energy to be mad, but I don’t think that’s it. There just really isn’t anything. The closest thing I had to a problem was the lady that seemed to want to find out if her minivan would fit up the tailpipe of my Lexus. Luckily she didn’t get to try to squeeze it in there, because I am fairly certain the answer would be no.

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I hate Halloween.

I hate costumes. I hate kids coming to my door begging for candy. I hate that there is now a whole extra aisle of candy at the grocery store tempting me to get fat. I hate the fact they put extra black M&M’s in the bag, and completely eliminate the red, blue, green and yellow. I hate teenagers putting red ink on a t-shirt, calling it a costume and going door to door when they should have quit that shit 5 years earlier. I hate urban legends about poison candy and razor blades in apples.

I hate pumpkins. I hate carving pumpkins. I hate gutting pumpkins so I can carve them. I hate pumpkin seeds, pumpkin pie and “It’s the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown”.

I hate haunted houses. I hate churches that pretend Halloween isn’t a pagan holiday and try to use it for recruiting. I hate conservative churches that protest Halloween and try to make me think my kid will burn in Hell for dressing like Spiderman.

And, most of all, I hate the fucking Monster Mash.

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Yeah, I’m an asshole. I am playing dumb with the girl that pointed out that women would respond to the personal ad just because I said it would take someone special to get me to have a serious relationship. I looked at it this way. Either she thinks I’m an idiot, or she’s playing some kind of game by saying she’s not interested. Regardless of which it is, I figure it’s only right that I have some fun with it.

It’s hard though, because you have to walk a fine line where you sound just dumb enough to have had no idea that women would react like that, and going over the top and it being so obvious that you are playing with her. The first 5 or 6 responses sounded so sarcastic I am sure they would have blown the whole thing. I was even worried about the subject of the email because it was so easy to sound like a smartass. It’s not easy for me to come across as naïve if the person is even the least bit observant. Unfortunately I don’t know just how dumb this person is yet, so I don’t know quite how far I can go.

I also wonder if I should have said something like “It will take a very special woman who is great in the sack, smoking hot and willing to clean my house (including laundry). Oh, and she should be very wealthy. That might have been pushing it though.

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Women are funny. Not all women, just some of them.

See, in my personal ad I am pretty honest. Basically I am not looking for anything serious. I am not saying I am absolutely not going to get serious, but it will take someone special. The ad was written the way it was for two basic reasons. The first is that it is the absolute truth. The second is because, at the suggestion of damn near every woman that reads this blog, it sets me up as a challenge.

So I get this email from a girl that saw the ad, and she says she’s not interested but she thought the ad was funny because, of course every woman thinks she is the special one. Well no shit. That is kind of the point now isn’t it? I mean if the ad gets you to go to the trouble to reply even when you aren’t really interested, it is doing its job. The funny thing is that she seems to actually think it hasn’t occurred to me that a woman would see that and be more interested because she wants to get something that isn’t supposed to be possible?

I basically have determined that there are two great sources of information about women. The first is other women. Ya’ll are great at selling each other out, and I greatly appreciate it. I learn a great deal about how women think from other women. You don’t learn it from women you are involved with though. That’s not to say they aren’t interested and you aren’t interested. If they are interested they aren’t pursuing it anyway.

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